Monday, February 18, 2013

Jesus

I am starting fresh. I haven't written for a while, and there are lots of reasons for that. But, lately, I feel led to start sharing again. However, I don't want to share in a way that is self-serving or in a way that disrespects the privacy of my family. I have come to realize that is not what I want. And, really, those aren't the reasons I decided to start writing on a more personal level.

When I first decided to start sharing our testimony, I made a promise to myself and to God that it would be to glorify Him. I pray that in some ways, I did that. But I know that in other ways, I fell short. My intentions were mostly good, but they were also clouded with motivations that weren't entirely pure. When I realized that was happening, I stopped writing.

But I know now that I have to stop letting fear hold me back. If this is really what God wants me to do, then I need to just do it and trust. Even if that means someone won't like what I have to say. Even if it means someone will slap a label on me.

Honestly, I still don't know what all of this means and if it means anything, but I wanted a clean slate and that includes making sure we are all on the same page.

This blog has talked a lot about God. It has talked about prayer. I have even mentioned Satan (gasp!). But I have also written a lot of His and Him and He and thrown a whole lot of other capital letters out there that may have distracted from the fact that most of the time, I was really talking about Jesus.

Jesus.

It feels good to write it. If I am being honest, as more people read my blog, I wrote around that name. I did it in a way that made me feel like I wasn't denying my faith, yet I realize now that no matter how I creatively hinted at my faith, I wasn't exactly telling the whole story. Because, friends, Jesus is the story.

A few months ago, I decided to write a personal essay for a mainstream parenting magazine about my pregnancy experience with Brooklyn. It wasn't hard to write, especially since that is what I do for a living. As I wrote the essay, I purposely left out the details of my faith because as a journalist, I knew I had to write for my audience. So, instead, I focused on the mothering aspect of my experience. I wrote about the pain of Brooklyn's diagnosis and only briefly mentioned that my faith helped me get through it all.

After I finished writing the essay, I wasn't happy with it. I shared it with my Mom and even let her friend read it so I could get some real feedback. Yet even as I waited to hear their reactions, something in me knew I was never going to submit that essay. At first, I convinced myself that it wasn't good enough. Then I decided it would be exploiting my family. But now, after much prayer, I know that the reason that story fell short is because I left out the main character. I no longer want to do that.

Just to be clear -- Jesus is my Savior. He is the reason I have a testimony to share. He is the reason I have hope and joy and love in the midst of my heartache. He is the main character in my story, so He will be showing up here -- on this blog -- more often.

I know this might make some of you squirm in your seat a little. It might make you uncomfortable. It might make you roll your eyes or make assumptions about me and my life. But I can't let fear or rejection hold me back from what I think I am supposed to be doing here.

I don't pretend to know all the answers. I certainly don't pretend to be perfect. But I do have Jesus, and if there is one thing I can say for certain, He is all I need. My hope -- no, my prayer -- is that I'll get to tell you about that some time.

In Him,
Lisa

4 comments:

Cara said...

I am happy to see this, Lisa. We have been friends for years now and we both know we have different opinions on many topics, but you always remain one of my closest friends no matter how much distance or time separates us. I always respect your views and love you for you, and how you are true to yourself and family.

I've struggled with religion, although I do believe now that I am older, but everything is so unclear to me still so I enjoy and learn a lot from what little you have shared. I'm looking forward to reading and I'm happy to hear you will be writing in a way that you can feel proud.

Jodi said...

I knew from the first time I read about you and your family that we were "kindred spirits".... And I soon found out we were WAY more than that, we're Sisters. And I LOVE that. Shout it loud, my Sister... and THANK YOU!

Jill said...

Hi Lisa - I felt compelled to contact you. My nephew was also born with spina bifida - with the same type as your sweet little girl. I just want to tell you that I will keep your sweet girl in my prayers. I also want to share an article with you - my nephew is now 13 years old and is doing amazing things!! I know your baby girl will too! Anything is possible!

http://www.pantagraph.com/sports/recreation/swimming-and-diving/club-pushing-disabled-swimmer-tucci/article_3f301822-c09a-11e0-bdfd-001cc4c002e0.html

Merlyn Rahardja said...

Happy to find your blog. Please if u dont mind..how can I contact u by e-mail. Im the mom with the 5months old SB baby girl. Hoping i can ask more about your experience. Thank u very much.