Mommyland update

So it's been a while since I've written a Mommyland entry, but with good reason. It hasn't been fun. In fact, you can always tell if I've had a bad week by the lack of posts or if they seem a little forced.

I've never wanted to make this blog about me and my feelings. I'm not comfortable working out my "issues" online. But you know what, I really need to vent.

Let me just put it out there: Kendall's stomach sucks. It has caused more worrying than I ever had with Emma. At first, I wasn't as worried simply because I had been through this with Emma, and she was more than fine 2.5 years later. Miss Emma has more than thrived and sleeps awesome now, so I kept telling myself, "This too shall pass."

But the process has been long. I have been on a very strict nursing diet for 6 long months now, with little to no success. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, effects Miss Kendall's stomach. To the point that for much of her life, I've been afraid to eat. I seriously say a little prayer for her protection every time I put a morsel in my mouth. Not a fun way to live.

We've tried Holistic remedies, with no success. And now we're trying hypoallergenic formula, with little success. I tried so hard to fight the formula thing, but I am shrinking again and well, my sanity is just about gone. I want to do what's best for Kendall, but I don't know if I can feel completely responsible for her digestive system anymore. I wish I could say, "To hell with it," and eat normal again AND nurse her, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how NOT to blame myself when she has a bad night or day.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm totally aware that a lot of this is about my control issues. I have MORE than thought all of this through, and I realize that this diet makes me feel like I am doing everything I can to help Kendall, even if it is not helping. Once again, I am trying to fix, trying to control, trying to make things "the way they should be." So I don't want pity here.

And as much as I want to nurse Kendall, I also think that pride is getting in the way of me making the right decision. My pride that always sets "goals' and works hard to achieve them. I WILL nurse my second child for a year. That was my goal. But am I doing that at the expense of my child? I really don't know anymore.

I have honestly agonized over the decision of whether or not to continue nursing or to move on to formula. She doesn't sleep either way. Her reflux bothers her no matter what, and she has crazy gas. Sometimes she just wiggles in discomfort, other nights she cries out in pain as her stomach spasms under my arm. And some nights she moans herself to sleep.

She doesn't poop for days. Although since we've been supplementing, that has changed. A good thing? Not sure. It's pretty mucousy, but then again, it always has been. She's never had blood in her stool, like Emma did, but I've also completely avoided milk from the beginning.

So what is my point? I have no clue. I just know that I want my baby to have a good night. I want something to help her. And man, I want to eat.

Granted, a lot more could be wrong. My baby is thriving. She is absolutely adorable. She is a happy, happy baby, and giggles at the drop of a hat. She melts my heart with one look.

So I guess I ask for prayer as I (we) continue to decide what is best for our child. And as solids start becoming a part of the picture, my fears only intensify.

It shouldn't be this hard or dramatic, I know, but when you are trying to do the best for your child, you can never second guess enough. I know I have driven my family and Jeff crazy with this, which is why I am writing now. I am hoping that this might help me get it all out. Help me move on. Help stop the hamster wheel spinning in my head.

So there it is. I could write more, but I'm tired of thinking about it all. Let's just hope tonight is a good night.