Tuesday, May 04, 2010

A Piece of Me

I had my first dream last night. Well, my first dream that wasn’t really a dream at all, but more like a glimpse into the future.

I was in the hospital awaiting surgery. My Dad was there and so was my friend Katie. There was a mother and a daughter in the waiting room as well, both of who seemed to have symptoms of Spina Bifida. The daughter was joking with the mom that she didn’t have any real problems, but the mom was arguing that she did. They were smiling and laughing together. And next in line for the surgery.

I was trying to be brave, and I couldn’t see my Dad for a second. And then I caved in and hugged my friend Katie. I was crying. I told her I was scared. I had never been operated on before. She said, “I know,” and cried with me.

Then it was time to sign my name in at the surgery check-in. But instead of my name, I was supposed to write my relation to those in the waiting room. I wrote, “daughter, Mommy, friend.”

Only neither Emma nor Kendall was there.

And that’s when I realized I wasn’t the one really going into surgery. It was Brooklyn. But I couldn’t see her, which actually makes sense. She isn’t here yet.

I was woken up from my dream to the sound of Kendall crying, and I as walked to her room, I realized just how real my dream was.

Every time Brooklyn goes into surgery, it will feel like I am the one going in. A piece of me getting wheeled into that room. I can’t phantom that feeling yet, but I know I will have to feel it many, many times in the years ahead. I am scared.

But I do know I will have my family there and my friends. They will hug me and cry with me. They will be—and have been—there to support me every step of the way.

And my daughter will have to remind me every time that she is the one going into surgery.

But I will argue that is not the case at all.

3 comments:

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh I'm in tears. I know it's scary, I'm so sorry you have to make this choice, but you will have the strength, everything you need to keep going and going. You just will, and someday you'll look back and wonder how you did. :)

I'm praying for your sweet heart, and that dear baby.

Steph

Maria said...

Lisa,

I think of you and your baby often. I pray and know that everything will be ok in time knowing how strong you are in your faith. Don't forget that you're already a mom and there's nothing you can't do. Stay strong!

Love,
Maria

Stephanie said...

Yes. So very scary. But somehow you'll make it through. You are so strong and I admire your courage immensely.

stephanie@metropolitanmama.net