Monday, February 21, 2011

Trusting through the Grey

Well, the honeymoon is over. We are right smack dab in the thick of what is Spina Bifida. And, honestly, it is harder than I ever imagined.

I like to call it the land of "grey." Nothing is black and white in Spina Bifida world. There are no solid answers. There are no promises. But, of course, that means we have Hope.

I know this. I've known this since the day we found out about Brooklyn's condition. Her middle name is Hope, after all. But that was before I could see her little face. That was before I fell totally and completely in love with her. And that was before she was in front of me, crying, crying, crying and I had no answers, just possibilities...

a shunt malfunction?
the wrong pressure setting?
urological issues?
teething?
reflux? 
gas?
growth spurt?

I could go on and on and on. And I have. My head is spinning, my heart is aching, and I am physically exhausted. I feel weak. I hate that. I hate that there are no answers. I hate that the only way we may have an answer is waiting. And I really hate that I am using the word "hate." It is such an ugly word, but right now, it is accurate.

Tomorrow, we might get answers; we might not. I am hoping and praying with all that I am that we get some answers. I can't nurse one more minute. I need sleep. But WAY more than any of that, I want my happy baby back.

These are my feelings. As ugly as they are, they are accurate. I want to be strong. I want to be "inspiring." But the pressure needs to be released...my heart needs to feel.

But this waiting, this "grey" I speak of, I know He will use them. THIS is the character building. THIS is what will strengthen me. THIS is what will give me the Hope, the endurance to do this every minute of Brooklyn's life.

THIS is what faith truly is. It is having the discipline to TRUST when it is the last thing you want to do.

So I cried out to Him. I told Him I trusted Him until I believed the words myself. Over and over and over.

I trust Him.

Do you?


"I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD."

Psalms 40:1-3 (NLT)

This is also posted over at The Journey.

5 comments:

Katie at A List Maker's Life said...

Lisa, Thank you for your painful honesty. Gabe is in the hospital this week with an unrelated to SB illness, but I too keep questioning if maybe it really is related to hydrocephalu, his urology, his ACM, etc...
Praying that you will have peace, that you will get clear answers, and that you will find your happy back.

Katie at A List Maker's Life said...

BTW, I'd love to hear sometime (email is fine) what you learned in the MRI. I'd like to ask for a baseline again, but so far they tell me not to worry about it. I'd rather know what it looks like "healthy" than wait until there is a bigger issue. Just intersted, if you're willing to share.

Colleen said...

This post brings to mind one of my favorite verses:

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:3-4

Jodi said...

Thank you for your honesty and faith!!! Keep us posted on how things are... what her appt provides, what the docs say, what we can pray for specifically. HUGS!

Butterfly Mama said...

Lisa, I always love your honesty and inspiring faith. Lifting you up during this time.
hugs,
heidi