Thursday, March 02, 2006

Are we ever good enough?

I usually try to keep this blog pretty upbeat because, hey, it's all about Miss Emma. But once in a while a mama needs to vent, right? So here it is: I miss breastfeeding. A LOT. I mean, I know what's done is done, but I truly miss that connection with my little wiggle worm. No, we weren't perfect at it, but it was still a bond no bottle can duplicate.

I was putting away all of my nursing gear the other day and got really depressed. It's offically over. (Trust me, I have the training bra boobs to prove it!) It was on my terms, I know, but it kinda wasn't. I hope I can do it longer with our next child. I miss the closeness, the convenience, and well, the unexplainable feeling you get from knowing your body is providing nurishment to your child.

And then there's the guilt. Yes, I know I shouldn't feel guilty, blah blah blah, but I do. Emma has been really sick since last Saturday with the most awful cold. I mean HORRIBLE. Temp of 102 that finally went away YESTERDAY (yes, as in 4 days later!), a nose that is chapped from the constant flow of mucous, and the hacking cough. Oh, the cough -- it scares the crap out of us. She chokes and chokes to the point that Jeff and I fear she'll stop breathing. Jeff even took to the couch for 2 nights so she could sleep with me and I could ensure adequate airflow.

So what does this have to do with breastfeeding? Well, maybe a lot, maybe nothing. You see, this certainly isn't Emma's first cold, but it is her first without the boob juice. And it is the worst BY FAR!! It required two trips to the doctor and constant "check in" calls to him. I can't help but wonder if this cold would be milder if I was still breastfeeding. I always thought breastfeeding prevented sickness in general, but maybe in a crazy cold season it just helps keep the symptoms to a minimum...

Yes, I am a little nutty. Why did I stop breastfeeding? To relieve myself of the pressure of possibly eating something that caused her pain. And why do I now wish I could? To relieve myself of the pressure of possibly causing her sickness. Does this constant blaming ever end? Probably not.

I guess in the end, no one -- including me -- is good enough for Emma. Just wait until someone else hurts her in some way. Mama Bear will be ready to rumble!


Jana said...

Lisa - my quick comment (I have some other thoughts that I will share later when I have more time)... There is something really nasty going around right now with a lot of the little kids I know. Georgia was hospitalized with it over Christmas when she was 6 weeks and now I know another 6 week old that was hospitalized and two other babies that have been sick with the same symptoms. The cough - its horrible, horrible, horrible. Georgia would cough so hard she would turn blue and we'd have to do the infant heimlich and she'd throw up. I'm so glad that you included the fact that you've been to the doctor with her. I'm very worried for all of our little loves - it is scary and worrisome. You're doing the right thing by watching her, taking her to the doctor and calling when you feel you need to. Will write more later about the nursing thing - having my own issues/struggles with it:)

ƜberDaddy said...

We went through the SAME exact thing last winter when henry was 3 or 4 months old. He was still breastfeeding and still got incredibly sick. We were really worried for a long time about the same things. Enourmous amounts of snot were draining into his throat and choking him, causing him to vomit. He puked in his crib in the middle of the night a few times, a truly harrowing experience. Our doc said it was Henry's adenoids, they were swollen and infected. We were certain he was going to need surgery to remove them. But he eventually, slowly, got better. Henry still chokes and pukes every now and again, but its not from mucous anymore, usually from something he didn't chew well enough.
I know it's stressful, but with such attentive, loving parents, I am sure Emma will be fine!

Mama C-ta said...

Oh Les LOTS OF HUGS. I know you don't need me to tell you that you are the best mama and Emma knows this. I can emphathize though and understand why you would feel guilty about having to stop BF and feeling like her evil code is a result of that b/c you are right, feeling guitly is what parents do best. We feel guilty about every decision we make. We wouldn't be loving parents if didn't constantly feel our child deserves better.

The only thing I disagree with is "no one -- including me -- is good enough for Emma." You are everything this little girl needs and more! She is one lucky girl to have both you and Jeff.

Besides you didn't stop BF JUST so you can go eat a pizza, you stopped b/c you were doing what you felt was best for her. If she was reacting to something you were eating then that is much easier to control w/a pre-digested formula.

I am happy to hear her fever is gone. Hopefully all of you will be getting some rest soon.

(PS: Training bra boobs? Please say it ain't so! I will never stop now, I don't care if Julian wants to quit!)