Tuesday, March 23, 2010

When Doubt Creeps In

Today was a bad day.

And while I know what you are thinking, the day was really like any other bad Mommy day. It was a day of way too much crying, way too much whining, way too much yelling, and way too many Reese's peanut butter cups (don't you dare ask how many...)

It was a day when bedtime couldn't come soon enough and once it did, the Mommy regrets came, along with the urge to run into their bedrooms to hug and apologize for all the wrong things I did.

But instead of the "at least there is tomorrow" thoughts that usually provide some peace, that is when it hit me. And this bad day only got worse.

The questions and fears and tears came out of nowhere, and they hit me hard. Really hard.

If I can't handle a day like today, how can I handle a "bad" day once the baby comes?
If I have no patience now, how will I possibly have the patience for the challenges ahead?
How can I provide the emotional support for three precious little girls when I am such a mess?
How can I do this?
Clearly, I can't do this.
There is no way I can do this.
God, you didn't pick the right woman.

The doubts just kept coming, and the cries to God were loud and painful.

Oh God, I just want her to be okay. I want this all to just be okay.

After a call to Jeff, I felt a little better, but my heart was extremely heavy. And then I was led to a copy of the sermon our pastor gave 2 weeks ago that I'd been meaning to read, and here is the verse that I saw:

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5: 3-5)

The verse instantly provided peace, but as I reflected on it a little more (while cleaning toilets no less), it occurred to me...

This is not about who I am now, but who I will become from this experience. In other words, God will use this experience to make me the Mom I need to be to this baby...and even the Mom I need to be for Emma and Kendall. He will give me the perseverance and the character. And the hope that will make me turn to him when I feel I'm not enough.

You see, it isn't about what I can't do. It's about what God can do.

Since we started our journey, a lot of people have told us that God "chose" me and Jeff to be this baby's parents. That He only picks special people to take care of such a special child. And I'll admit, those words have provided a lot of peace and reassurance. But in some ways, they've also provided a little bit of pressure. And for those of you that know me, I don't take pressure lightly.

But now, after tonight, I'm not so sure I believe those words. I think God could use any one of us to do anything He needs us to do. The point is not that Jeff and I are "special" or even the "right" people for this job. The point is that His power is so great that He can use even us to do His work. We just have to allow Him to work through us.

That knowledge gives an enormous amount of comfort and peace to my soul. It renews my heart and encourages my spirit.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

As God forms this precious life inside of me, He is also forming me. What a blessing. What a comfort. What a God.


Jen E. said...

First of all, shame on you for not calling me! You can call me at ANY TIME Lisa! And second, Im so sorry you had a bad day and were overwhelmed with sadness. However, I am so glad you found that peace and were able to comfort yourself with those awesome words. I love you Lis and I know you CAN do this, but you have to remember that you are not alone and it is ok to reach out. XOXO

mom said...

Amen to what Jenni said - you should have called, but then again, you did. You called out to the One that offers His Peace & His Strength. I'm so glad you did. I was one of those who told you that you were 'chosen', or entrusted with the care of this precious little one. I still believe that - He can use anybody, but in His infinite wisdom, He knows who will realize their need of Him & tap into His Power. I'm so very sorry that you were sad, but I'm so glad it brought you to a place where you learned this valuable lesson. I love you...Next time, go ahead & cry out to Him and then CALL ME! Let me be 'Jesus with skin on' for you.

Stephanie said...

You are totally encouraging me tonight! Thank you for posting with such authenticity.

I particularly appreciated the beauty of this line: "As God forms this precious life inside of me, He is also forming me."


Carrie said...

Just by looking around your blog this morning, I can see that you are an amazing woman - and not because of anything that you have done,but because you are allowing God to use you in the struggles He has placed in your life. I am praying for you today as you meet your daughter!