Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Four Years

Today is "the day" -- or, really "that night," -- we found out about Brooklyn's diagnosis. I always know when it's coming, but I always have to look up the date. I think that's a good thing... remembering but not obsessing...reflecting but not reliving. It's all good for the soul.

What's funny is that most people would probably think that I count this day as a turning point in my life. But, honestly, I don't. The turning point was the next morning. "That night" I was vulnerable and heartbroken and engulfed in grief, but the next day... that was when God gently unwrapped me from His arms just enough to open my heart to hear His promise: "It's going to be okay." And if you have followed our story at all, you know that He has kept that promise.

I realize that there is an elephant on this blog. I've tried to bring it to light before, but often stopped out of fear. But interestingly enough, today is the day I feel like it's time to talk about it.

Many times I have talked about "God's plan" on this blog. How we would trust it and follow it. But did God actually plan for my child to be paralyzed? Did God really want my child to be disabled? How could that possibly be His plan?

I honestly don't know the answer to that question. I think God desires us to be whole and perfect, but in this lifetime, that's just not possible. That's what Heaven is all about. I also know He hates suffering and that He loves my daughter far more than I ever could. He also loves me and wants me to go through this life full of joy and hope. These things I believe with every ounce of my being.

I have my own thoughts about the "why" and "how" Spina Bifida was brought into our lives. But every time I find my mind going there, I have to remind myself that Faith isn't about having the answers. In fact, it's the exact opposite. It's not even about figuring out His plan. It is about trusting in His outcome and then waiting as He unveils His goodness and glory in your life.

When you look at our little girl, I truly hope you see that goodness, that glory. I know I do. Even though the plan is still unclear and one I wouldn't have chosen, there is still happiness and hope and beauty and above all else, love.


That, my friends, is God's plan. For Brooklyn's life, for my life, and for yours.

Four years ago, I had no idea where we'd end up, but I knew that with God, it was, in fact, going to be okay. He never said it wouldn't hurt, but He did tell me that with Him, there can be joy. Who else could turn something so devastating into something so absolutely good?!

That night, as I sat in the darkness, sobbing and pleading with God, I asked Him THE question:  


Almost immediately, I remembered Jesus. His own son...on the cross. Perfect and whole, yet tortured and killed. It makes no sense to us why God would choose this path for His son and, really, for Himself. But we all know what came out of that. The ultimate ashes to beauty story. Surely if He could turn the ultimate suffering into salvation, He could turn our story into one of beauty.

So far He has done just that, and I have no doubt He will continue to do so. That is the plan I believe in. That is the plan I speak of on this blog and the one I will stand up for and tell the world about for as long as He allows.

Whether you believe in God or not, He is there. He is working in your life, and He offers you the same plan that He offers me. The choice is whether or not you let go enough of yourself and your plan to see it, to embrace it, and to live it.

Four years ago, I chose to accept His plan, and it was the best decision I ever made. I didn't choose for my daughter to have Spina Bifida, but I did choose God. And by doing so, I also chose joy and hope and all the good things this life can offer.

Even when our plans change, God is good. All the time, He is good. In fact, that is about the only thing we can plan on.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

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