The Best Part of Me

I wake up this morning exhausted. Another bad night with Kendall. 2 hours of sleep isn't enough. I have no patience, yet I have a full day ahead of me with two small children. I want to sleep. I want to escape.

But I can't. And really, I don't want to. These two precious girls are mine. I don't want anyone else to take care of them.

Most of the time, being a mom overwhelms me. Like my friend Jana wrote so beautifully here, I often wonder if I'm cut out for this mom thing. Did I make the right decision by quitting my career? I was much better at that.

I worry. All the time. My girls consume my every thought, my every move. They come first.

Not just because that's "my job" now, but because it comes naturally. For some reason, we mothers are built that way. We are built to sacrifice everything for our children. No matter how much we long to be selfish, most of the time, we can't. It is in us to give. And give. And give.

I admit that often makes me frustrated. Frustrated that I can't just let stuff go and be me first. Frustrated that my dear husband -- and honestly, all men -- do not have this problem. Not because they are insensitive, but because that is how they are built.

During my devotion time today, I come across this verse:

"It is true that he was weak when he was killed on the cross, but he lives now by God's power. It is true that we are weak in Christ, but for you, we will be alive in Christ by God's power." 2 Corinthians 13:4

God is so powerful, that he gave up His power. He became weak. For me, for you, for all of us. He sacrificed Himself so that we might know and experience His love.

And then it occurred to me: Isn't that what we moms do? We sacrifice ourselves so that our children may know and feel our love. Not only because it is "our job," but because there is literally something inside of us that makes us this way.

That frustrating part of us that wakes upon the smallest cry from our child, and now we can't fall back asleep. That part of us that for some unexplainable reason, misses an exhausting toddler only 30 minutes after she has fallen asleep. That part of us that needs a break so badly, yet finds the energy, the patience, and the love to make it through the day. Every day.

That part of us? That's God love. Unconditional and ever-giving. A characteristic planted in mothers by Him to give us just a glimpse of what His love is like.

Yeah, I'll take that over me any day.

Fashion Friday: My Heart in Motion

Let's Talk About It: Bible Stories

Emma is loving this whole living with Grandma thing, especially their special morning time when Grandma reads her Bible stories. She has known a few of the basic stories for a while now, but these morning "devotions" seem to really be sticking. Even the smallest details.

Here is what I overheard today during a "shopping trip" with Baby...

Emma: "Come on, Baby, let's go to the birthplace. We can go pay our taxes!"

The only thing missing? A baby Tigger in her belly of course!

Fashion Friday: Double Take

This outfit is one of my favorites. I'm so glad I got to use it twice! I actually found it at a gently-used resale shop when Emma was Kendall's age. If you ask me, they both look adorable in it! Not that I'm biased or anything.

**Emma's in the hat; Kendall is the baldie!**

Let's Talk About It: No Glory

Mommy: Ma-ma, Ma-ma

Kendall: Da-da, Da-da

Mommy: Ma-ma, Ma-ma

Kendall: Ba-ba, Ba-ba


Yup. That's about right.

First Tooth!

I just felt Miss Kendall's first tooth popping through. That makes me feel a little better about the total lack of sleep from last night (and the last week for that matter). Now I 'm just hoping we have a few nights off before tooth #2 shows up!

Fashion Friday: In the Midst of Chaos

...Emma managed to look as cute as ever. Me, on the other hand, well let's just say showers are a luxury, and makeup is totally out of the question.

Happy Friday!

Getting There...

Things are finally starting to feel normal. Yes, we have invaded my parents' home, but I am personally loving it -- and so are my girls.

While I am far from organized, I did manage to get the girls to the park the other day, and it felt so good. No packing, no stress, just a fun hour at the park. All three of us needed it!!!

Temporary Insanity

Both, yes BOTH, of my kids are sitting in front of the TV right now so I can get some very overdue work done. I feel like the most horrible mom ever and swore I would never do this.

And I just ate a Krispy Kreme.

Thank goodness we are only doing this moving thing once!

Fashion Friday: 7 months

Here are a few of Kendall's "6-month photos," taken at 7.5 months.
(*List of excuses for tardiness: Lack of sleep, a very busy and emotionally draining toddler, runny noses, random scratches and other visible markings, selling our house, moving, work, and well, no sleep.)

Anyway, they are okay, but could have been better. Miss Kendall's morning nap was a bit short, so she wasn't her usual cheerful self. Of course, I still think she is cute as a button.


I like this sweater shot, but her foot is doing something funky. Maybe she's double (triple?) jointed...




This one is cute because it's just so her. Sweet, but VERY vocal.




And this one just makes me smile!

We Moved!

Hence, the lack of posts the last few weeks.

It's all happened a little fast, but we are excited to start building our dream home.

Until then, we are at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a few months. Our townhome is no longer ours as of next week, so the never-ending stuff needs to be packed for good. I swear I am packing in my sleep, yet our house still looks pretty full...

Here are the only two valuables I didn't mind packing. (Of course I say this as they sleep!)

Fashion Friday: Feels Like Bermuda

Short weather is here! (At least for today...)
Happy Friday everyone!

*UPDATE: Does it rain in Bermuda?*

Let's Talk About It: Babies

With two new cousins in her near future, Emma has been talking a lot about babies lately. She has taken special notice of both of her aunts' growing tummies, and has even asked me on several occasions if I have a baby in my belly. (Oh Lord, please not right now...)

Anyway, with all of this baby talk, I'm not sure why I was surprised to be greeted by a pregnant toddler this morning:

E: "Mommy, Mommy!"

M: "Good morning, sweetie."

E: (Rubbing a very bulky tummy with an orange and black striped tail) "Mommy, I am having a baby Tigger!"

Let's Talk About It: Relationships

Emma is quite the observant little one these days. Jeff and I find ourselves being more and more careful with our words because she picks up stuff we don't even know she hears. So far, no bad words. However, she is good at relationship advice.


Case in point:

It's Mother's Day and it is a hectic morning as we try to make all the stops to see all the moms and grandmas. We are running late, and I am not happy. Jeff is getting a little bit of an earful, and Emma says,

"Mommy, don't yell at Daddy. He's your friend."

[Gulp.]



And then there was the time that she was supposed to be napping, but instead had to take a potty break and wants to "talk about it." I tell her, "Emma, we're not going to talk about it. Go potty, and we are going back to bed."

She replies, "But Mommy, I want to talk to you because I love you."

[Gulp.][Gulp.]



Finally, there was last week at the dinner table when Emma is talking non-stop, and Jeff is desperately trying to tell me a story. Finally he says, "Emma, can you please stop talking so I can tell Mommy something?"

She says, "But I am just trying to talk to my family."

[Gulp.][Gulp.][Gulp.]


Who knew a 2-year-old could leave you completely speechless?!

Fashion Friday: Easter Revisited

So I"m a little late, but here are the girls in their Easter dresses. Aren't they purty??!!

Vote for Kendall B!

Okay, so I did a photo contest for Emma when she was a baby (and she won!), so I have to do the same for Kendall. If she wins, she'll get $1000 and the title of Chicagoland's Most Huggable Baby!!!

You can vote here starting today at 12pm:
http://www.wlit.com/pages/baby2008.html

Kendall is one of the last photos under "K". And your vote doesn't count until you click on the link in your email address. That "verifies" it.

Voting is all this week. The polling system only allows one vote per email address, per day. (Voting ends every day at 11pm and new polling begins at 12am.)

If Kendall is chosen as a semi-finalist, I'll need ya'll to vote again, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. For now, we'd appreciate even just one vote from you if you have the time. (Or four or five or six votes...)

That's All Folks...

Monday night was my last time nursing Kendall. I am beyond sad, but I know it was for the best.

After writing this post, we had one of our worst nights ever. So I decided to pump and try just formula to see what would happen. I wanted to know if it was me or the formula giving her trouble. Apparently, it was me because she instantly took a turn for the better. Three -- count them -- ONE.TWO.THREE long naps during the day and only one night waking to feed. She was/is a different baby.

For a few days, I tried nursing her first thing in the morning for "bonding," but she wasn't all that interested anymore. So I tried to nurse during her night feeding, assuming she would be all sleepy and cuddly. Not so much. She was clearly done with me.

That may sound harsh, but that's how it feels. It hurts. But as Mama C-ta so beautifully wrote here, sometimes being a mom is about letting go. About doing what is best, even when it breaks your heart. After all, I truly only wanted Kendall to be comfortable, and that is what happened. So now I step back... even with the painful knowledge that this may be the last child I ever nurse.

None of it makes sense to me. My breast milk should be the easiest thing for her to digest, the gentlest on her tummy. It is supposed to be the healthiest option. Yet, for some reason, it isn't in our case. Honestly, that makes me mad.

But even more so, it makes me sad. The sad that hits you in the gut and makes you want to bury your head in your hands and sob. So that's what I did on Monday. I cried. Hard.

I cried for the 11 long days in the hospital when nursing was the only thing that kept me sane. When I missed Emma so very much. When I was scared that things just kept going wrong. When I was frustrated that they weren't letting me leave. When I was wincing in agonizing pain. In the midst of it all, I had the honor of feeding my newborn daughter. I could look down and watch her peacefully eat without a care in the world. She needed me and loved me, and that gave me a reason to be happy. It gave me strength.

I cried for all that I will miss. I will miss watching her come up from a feeding, arching her back with little fists clenched in a big stretch. I will miss the naps on my shoulder that we often took together. I will miss the late-night feedings when it was just the two of us laying side by side. And I will miss the sacrifices that I made so that she knew how very much I wanted to help her.

I cried because it isn't fair. I tried so hard to make this work, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Between the shots I'd have to take because of my pulmonary embolism and the possibility of gestational diabetes again, Kendall may very well be my last child. That is enough to tear any mom's heart out.

So I am sad, but you know what, that's okay:
"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart." Ecclesiastes 7:3

God lead me to this passage on Monday during my devotional time. You know what the name of my devotion was? "Celebrating Sadness." I know, He is too good.

The devotion reminded me that God created every emotion we feel. And that sadness can be good. It makes us reflect. It makes us feel. Look at how many wonderful works of art were produced out of sadness. Sometimes it feels good to be sad, to cry. God will meet us wherever we are.

My heart is sad, yes. But it is full of God, and it is full of hope. After all, He is healing my baby's stomach.

He has answered my prayer.

'Bean there...

So we are officially going through the "stick things up your nose" stage. Yesterday it was a black bean; today it was a pea. And she gets them stuck up there good.

Needless to say, I am trying to strategically plan tomorrow's meals...

Fashion Friday: Blue is the new yellow

This color blue just makes me happy. Maybe because it shows off my girls' eyes, or maybe it's because it reminds me of the clear blue skies we've been seeing lately. Not sure. All I know is that this color combined my babies' smiles are giving me much joy today!

Mommyland update

So it's been a while since I've written a Mommyland entry, but with good reason. It hasn't been fun. In fact, you can always tell if I've had a bad week by the lack of posts or if they seem a little forced.

I've never wanted to make this blog about me and my feelings. I'm not comfortable working out my "issues" online. But you know what, I really need to vent.

Let me just put it out there: Kendall's stomach sucks. It has caused more worrying than I ever had with Emma. At first, I wasn't as worried simply because I had been through this with Emma, and she was more than fine 2.5 years later. Miss Emma has more than thrived and sleeps awesome now, so I kept telling myself, "This too shall pass."

But the process has been long. I have been on a very strict nursing diet for 6 long months now, with little to no success. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, effects Miss Kendall's stomach. To the point that for much of her life, I've been afraid to eat. I seriously say a little prayer for her protection every time I put a morsel in my mouth. Not a fun way to live.

We've tried Holistic remedies, with no success. And now we're trying hypoallergenic formula, with little success. I tried so hard to fight the formula thing, but I am shrinking again and well, my sanity is just about gone. I want to do what's best for Kendall, but I don't know if I can feel completely responsible for her digestive system anymore. I wish I could say, "To hell with it," and eat normal again AND nurse her, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how NOT to blame myself when she has a bad night or day.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm totally aware that a lot of this is about my control issues. I have MORE than thought all of this through, and I realize that this diet makes me feel like I am doing everything I can to help Kendall, even if it is not helping. Once again, I am trying to fix, trying to control, trying to make things "the way they should be." So I don't want pity here.

And as much as I want to nurse Kendall, I also think that pride is getting in the way of me making the right decision. My pride that always sets "goals' and works hard to achieve them. I WILL nurse my second child for a year. That was my goal. But am I doing that at the expense of my child? I really don't know anymore.

I have honestly agonized over the decision of whether or not to continue nursing or to move on to formula. She doesn't sleep either way. Her reflux bothers her no matter what, and she has crazy gas. Sometimes she just wiggles in discomfort, other nights she cries out in pain as her stomach spasms under my arm. And some nights she moans herself to sleep.

She doesn't poop for days. Although since we've been supplementing, that has changed. A good thing? Not sure. It's pretty mucousy, but then again, it always has been. She's never had blood in her stool, like Emma did, but I've also completely avoided milk from the beginning.

So what is my point? I have no clue. I just know that I want my baby to have a good night. I want something to help her. And man, I want to eat.

Granted, a lot more could be wrong. My baby is thriving. She is absolutely adorable. She is a happy, happy baby, and giggles at the drop of a hat. She melts my heart with one look.

So I guess I ask for prayer as I (we) continue to decide what is best for our child. And as solids start becoming a part of the picture, my fears only intensify.

It shouldn't be this hard or dramatic, I know, but when you are trying to do the best for your child, you can never second guess enough. I know I have driven my family and Jeff crazy with this, which is why I am writing now. I am hoping that this might help me get it all out. Help me move on. Help stop the hamster wheel spinning in my head.

So there it is. I could write more, but I'm tired of thinking about it all. Let's just hope tonight is a good night.