Six

This is a over a month late, but I could tell a certain 7 year old was feeling "unspecial" when I caught her watching Brooklyn's 1-year slideshow yesterday morning. And now, of course, Kendall is counting the days until her birthday so she can get one, too. I guess since I have totally dropped the ball on their baby books, this is the least I can do! (Even if it is totally amateur... :)

I love you, Emma Kay. Your passion will always inspire me.

Today

With every birthday, I watch them grow, stacking up their days into taller piles of milestones and memories, mistakes and miracles.

 

With every candle added, I see their light shine brighter and only hope that I can find ways to feed the flame that makes them special, that makes them feel special.

Among the sprinkles and tissue paper, I see their joy, their innocence, their genuine gratefulness for this life. For every day.

And I learn. 

The blessing of these blessings, growing with each and every year. 

I close my eyes and wish that in the midst of the crazy and the confusing, I remember to treasure it -- all of it -- now. 

Today.

 

Before another candle is added.

Pockets

Today, sandwiched in between therapies, preschool pick-up, and a few conference calls was a small pocket of time. A time that could have been used to tackle the mountains (yes, mountains) of laundry sitting on my bedroom floor or the extremely neglected toilets and floors, but instead I grabbed an adorable two-braided girl by the hand and we skipped outside.

No phone, no nagging minutes, no plan. Just me and my middle enjoying some rare time alone in what ended up being the most gorgeous day we've had this year.

She rode her bike. I took pictures. We had a picnic with veggie straws and giggles, and we played baseball until Brooklyn woke up and joined the party.





The sun was bright enough for sunglasses, and fur-trimmed coats were shed and replaced with polka dot and plaid hoodies.

We had stroller races until Emma got off the bus -- the only indication that our time was almost up. Therapy #2 at 4:15.

As Emma headed down the driveway and handed me her coat, she pulled out a bottle of pink Hello Kitty nail polish from her sweater pocket -- the nail polish she asked me (about 103 times) to "pleeeeeease put on" this morning.  But between outfit wars, half-made lunches, and eggs on the stove, there was no time for nail polish.

"Why did you bring that to school with you?" I asked her.

"Because I wanted to," she said with a huge grin on her face. "I carried it with me all day."

With that, she put it back in her pocket and suggested we play hide and seek until Miss Julie arrived. I smiled, soaking up her wisdom, and agreed to be the seeker.

~Linking up to Just Write

Little Better

As she buried her head in my chest, I felt her shakes and I knew they were real. The tears were falling from a child, but the cries were from a grown-up place that I often wish my 6 year old didn't have to visit.

I knew she had been struggling lately, that something was up. But it wasn't until a walker stood between her and a much-anticipated tea party that I saw her heart.

"Why does she have to use that, Moooom. Just take her out so we can get started."

I knew right then and there that all of this "rock star" walker business was getting to her. My heart ached at the thought, and my tongue was tempted to quickly "fix" her hurt. But this wasn't the time. The table was set, the Princess music was already on full blast, and Kendall was anxiously waiting to do her welcome dance. So we all sat at the table, poured "tea" into mini tin cups and shared Rice Chex and raisins as if everything was okay.

It wasn't until a few days later that I saw my chance. Jeff had sent Emma to her room for disrespecting him, and I quickly suggested that I do the "sit down" with her this time. After we talked about her behavior, I only had to mention Brooklyn's walker before she broke down.

"Why does she have to have a walker? Why can't she just walk like you and me."

We had one of these kinds of conversations soon after Brooklyn started physical therapy, but that was before there were standers and walkers and lots of people acting like these were all good things. To an innocent heart and a praying big sister, these weren't good things at all.

So we talked. We talked about Faith, we talked about miracles, and we talked about Heaven. We talked about sister love and playgrounds and God's plan and dancing. We hugged and we cried, and when it was all said and done, she answered one of my greatest prayers in just seven simple words.

"Mom, you always make me feel better."

Today, instead of playing Barbies with Kendall, she sat on the floor and played with Brooklyn until her bus came. When I told her it was time to get her coat on, she kissed Brooklyn on the head and promised her they would play some more as soon as she got home from school.

As Emma closed the door behind her, Brooklyn called out for her -- "Me-maw!" -- and started to inchworm crawl her way over to the door. Emma caught it all out of the corner of her eye and ran back, sneaking in one more kiss on her baby sister's head before skipping up the driveway and heading off to 1st grade.

~Linking up with Just Write.~

The Photo That Should Have Been Our Christmas Card

Well, I didn't send out Christmas cards this year -- those stamps add up -- but I did manage to get a photo of all three of them in their Christmas outfits. And I literally mean a photo, as in 1 take, on the way out the door to church. Not bad, 'eh?



Hope you all had a great Christmas!

Making It Work...
Emma: shirt - Children's Place, skirt and leggings: via Kohl's (gifted); scarf - Justice
Brooklyn: shirt, skirt, and sweater - Children's Place, Emma hand-me-down (see Emma in it here and Kendall in it here... too fun!); red shoes -- I wish you could see them! -- Pediped, Kendall hand-me-downs
Kendall: dress - Gymboree, Emma hand-me-down

Tug, Tug, Tug

This one is growing up way too fast, and I am trying hard to figure out how to let go while still staying close.



This one cracks me up, but has a sensitive heart that I pray we are filling much more than we are hurting.



This one is giving me more strength these days than she will ever realize, and I am convinced now more than ever that she was meant for me -- and not the other way around.



My three loves, pulling my heart strings in all sorts of directions but somehow holding me together; tugging and mending, just enough so that the love overflows.


*****
(Linking up to Small Style at Mama Loves Papa)

Making it work...
Emma: cardigan and belt- Target; jeans- Gap

Kendall: coat- Target, Emma hand-me-down; cords- Kohls, Emma hand-me-down; shoes- Koala Kids, friend hand-me-down

Brooklyn: dress- Old Navy, Kendall hand-me-down; leggings- Gymboree, niece hand-me-down; hat- gifted,  Kendall-hand-me down

Capture

You know what I love about life? That once in a while it smacks you upside the head to remind you that you need to just CHILL.

Case in point: Halloween afternoon I was desperately trying to get a decent photo of all three girls together. Getting all three to look at the camera and smile at the same time was darn near impossible. Brooklyn was NOT happy, Emma kept trying to make her happy, and Kendall can't smile without looking like her eyes and teeth are in the process of exploding out of her head. Needless to say, I was annoyed and -- (a-hem) -- I let them know it. Not my finest Mommy moment.

Later, after combing through a bazillion shots on my camera, searching for a decent photo to post on Facebook, I remembered I took a few with my phone. And here is what I found...

THIS, my friends, is what I should have been trying to capture. Look at them...loving each other, interacting, having fun. THIS is what I want to look back and remember.

Lesson learned (again). Next time, Mommy plans to forget about the 432 so-called "friends" and join in on the fun that is happening RIGHT IN FRONT of her, with the three most awesome people in her life.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I hope you take the time to enjoy the awesome people in your life!

Linking up with Small Style at Mama Loves Papa (a.k.a. "Making it Work"):
Emma-      Jasmine outfit: borrowed from my niece; wig: Target
Brooklyn-  infant fairy costume gifted from Auntie Sha <3
Kendall-    ballet recital hand-me-down from Emma; ballet shoes: Payless

Different

I admit that lately I've been feeling like I've been lacking in the Mommy Mo-Jo department. I've been working a lot again and things have felt "off" around here. And when things feel "off" I tend to go off the deep end -- over-analyzing all that went wrong, is going wrong, and may go wrong in the future -- when really I probably just need a good night's sleep.

But last night was a good night. A night that told me everything is okay and maybe, just maybe, I can be good at this Mommy thing after all.

I have said before that my Emma is a complicated child. She is passionate and expressive in many ways, but when it comes to the deep-down feelings, she tends to tuck them away. But as with all of us, I know those emotions will find their way out one way or another, so I do my best to pay attention.

I could tell something had been bothering her all week and after a little probing about why she didn't want me to pack a rice milk box in her lunch, she revealed that she is embarrassed about her food allergies. Actually, she told me that she doesn't understand why God made her with allergies.

Now, we've already had the talk about Brooklyn and why God made her the way He did (I may or may not write about that some day), but this wasn't about Brooklyn. And, really, I loved that. As much as my mind wanted to go there, this was about Emma and only Emma. It was about her feelings about being different, which are just as important, just as real, and just as valid as the ones Brooklyn will have some day.

I know this seems obvious--and it is--but I have been worried lately that Brooklyn's special needs have been taking priority over the girls. So it was just really, really nice to focus on Emma's feelings. To know that I could still see them lurking beneath the surface and, more importantly, help her express them.

So last night, at her bedside, we had a nice discussion about how God makes us all different and unique, and how we should try our best to be proud of those differences. And if for some reason we don't like or understand some of the decisions He makes, we have to choose to trust Him and focus on our blessings. We can either choose to sit in the corner and be sad about our allergies -- which won't change a darn thing -- or we can choose to be happy and be thankful that we have lots of other foods we can enjoy.

She understood, cried, asked a few questions, and we ended it all with a few hugs. I honestly thought we had a Full House moment -- I swear there was music playing the background -- and then I asked her, "Do you feel better?"

Her response?

"Not really."

Okay then.

But somehow I think she did feel better. And if she didn't, I know she at least learned something. I know I did.

I can do this.

I may say the wrong things most of the time and at the wrong volume -- and God knows I will certainly do my share of messing up in the future -- but I am learning to see her heart. To ask the right questions. To listen.

I can do this.

First

Today, as we played outside, she disappeared inside for a while. Just when I was about to worry, she reappeared with three cups of water in hand and the proudest smile on her face. "I got us all water," she said, glowing.

The other day, at 4pm, she asked to take a shower all by herself. At 4pm. It was important to her. I could tell. So I helped her get her stuff together, gave her a quick tutorial on how to wash her hair, and closed the door.

On Friday, she graduated from Kindergarten. My baby graduated from Kindergarten. I bought her a cross necklace as a small gift, and I was so afraid she wasn't going to like it. It was just so simple. No sparkles, no frills, no pink.

She told me she loved it. And I know she meant it.

I don't write about her much because I'm not sure it's my place anymore. She's been growing (up) so much lately. She feels so deeply and yet lives so freely...she's complicated and words just won't do her justice. She is truly the big sister, and I am convinced she is a big reason why God decided we were special enough to be blessed with Brooklyn.

I am so very proud of my baby. My first. Her Faith inspires me, her passion challenges me, and her smile reminds me of why this Mommy thing is the best thing I ever did.

I love you, Emma Kay. I see you reaching, stretching, finding your wings. And as much as my heart is aching, it is also beaming with pride and waiting to embrace you whenever you need catching.

Blessed, Blessed, Blessed

Happy Mother's Day everyone!!!!

Foto Friday: Jammies in 3D

I think it's funny how much people say the girls look alike. Honestly, I only see the differences. BUT I do see a lot of Emma in Brooklyn...much more than I ever saw in Kendall.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you all be the judges. Here are all three of my little ladies in my all-time favorite jammies. Granted, Emma is only 6 weeks old, so it's not quite a fair comparison, but you get the point.

Have a great weekend everyone! Hope you get to hang out in your favorite jammies!


Brooklyn, 3.5 months old





Kendall, 3 months old





Emma, 1.5 months old

Foto Friday: Rah, Rah, Rah!!

First of all, let me just clarify that the whole cheerleader costume idea was Emma's and has nothing to do with my -- ahem -- past.

However,  I must admit that I totally jumped on costume idea #107 as soon as I heard it...no princess?!!!! Whoo-hoo! Cheerleader costume ordering began 5 minutes later..before costume idea #108 surfaced.

Besides, the Bears could use all the extra cheerleaders they can get! ;)

So here they are: My three little cheerleaders. Orange and navy never looked so good if you ask me! :)








**P.S. We are soooo in trouble with this one...

My

Three

Reasons 

to 

S   M   I   L   E!

Basking

This summer is flying by, but we are trying our hardest to savor every minute. Trying to balance the "to do" lists and errands with the fun and memorable. Trying to let go of the schedule a little and enjoy the sunshine for as long as it lasts.

Lately, I am finding joy in the every day, especially as I look at these two little girls grow more and more in love with each other. They are truly best friends, and their relationship is something they created on their own. Somehow, their relationship makes me more complete, and it makes every hard day worth it.

The three of us -- "the girls" as Jeff calls us -- we are a package deal. And I love that. They drive me crazy, yes, but they also amaze me and inspire me and love me for all that I am (and all I am not).

When I look at them -- at us -- I am happy. Often frustrated, always exhausted, and sometimes overwhelmed...but happy. And to think we get to add another girl to our "package" makes me happier. I know it makes them happier too.

(*P.S.: "Power - Part 2" later this week...)

Faith Like a Child

When actions speak louder than words...

And Away We Go...

Appointments.

That is basically where we are at right now. Lots and lots of appointments. I was putting them off, I admit, because that meant time away from the girls and really, I wasn't ready for that yet. I know that will be a big part of our life from here on out...but it is honestly a part I dread.

Funny how it's the little things that can get to you. I've always been that way though. I can handle the "big things" pretty easily. Maybe because I know only God can handle them, but it's the little things that I struggle with. It's the day-to-day stuff that makes me feel like I am lacking and that I am somehow failing. And letting the girls down is now a looming fear that creeps in way too often.

Many of you know that Emma was with us the night that we found out about Brookyln's Spina Bifida. Not the best situation, but in many ways, it helped relieve us of the decision as to what to tell her, when to tell her, etc. She knew from the start, whether we liked it or not.

Well, on the way home that night, I was trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say to my little girl as I was still trying to comprehend it all myself. I told her that Brooklyn might have "sick legs." I told her that even though she might not be able to do all the things we can do, she is going to be a perfect addition to our family. She will teach us about God in ways we never imagined. She will be special, and she will be a very important part of our family.

After my pep talk, I was feeling pretty good about my words and the fact that I was doing a good job of hiding my breaking heart, when from the backseat came the smallest little voice...

"Mom, does that mean Brooklyn will be more important than me and Kendall?"

Silence.

My worst fear...spoken by a 4 year old that had more wisdom and understanding than I ever imagined. My worst fear...before I even knew it myself.

As I desperately tried to backtrack -- telling Emma we are all made special by God in different ways and all play an important part in our family -- I felt a horrible sense of failure.

Even as I become more informed about all of the challenges we have ahead of us, it is still my biggest fear: Taking care of all three of my children in a way that makes them all feel loved, special, and important. Making Emma and Kendall feel loved even though Brooklyn will be getting lots of attention. Making Brooklyn feel loved even though she can't do all the things Emma and Kendall will be able to do. Making them understand that they will each make me proud in different ways. And that I love them all equally.

I know this is a struggle every mother with more than one child has. But somehow it has now been magnified...by like 100. Maybe it shouldn't be and maybe I'm the one magnifying it, but I would be lying if I didn't say it literally makes my heart ache.

The comfort I have is believing that God will also use this experience to make Emma and Kendall the people He intended them to be... compassionate, caring, accepting. We want more for our children, and I think this does give my girls an opportunity to experience life in a more challenging, but more fulfilling way. I just pray God will help me guide them in this direction. That the stress won't take over and that the moments we are together make up for the time lost. For the confusion.

So the decisions are being made. Assuming all goes as planned at all of our appointments next week, we will deliver at Northwestern, and Brooklyn will get her surgeries at Children's Memorial. I will have to have a C-section, which means there will be a few days when I sit in a hospital room by myself while Jeff waits in another hospital for our baby to come out of surgery and my other babies are at home being cared for by someone other than their Mommy.

These are days I have to choose not to think about. Because the thought of those days tear. me. to. p i e c e s.

I know this will not be easy. But God never said it would be easy.

As my bible study lesson so perfectly revealed to me this week...

"For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake..." (Phillipians 1:29)

If my God can die on a cross for me so that I can spend a perfect eternity with my children, the least I can do is use our short period of worldly suffering for His Glory.

And I pray with all of my heart that all three of my girls learn to do the same.

Foto Friday: Doses of Sunshine

Foto Friday: O Come Let Us Adore Him

I was so blessed this week with both of my girls' little Christmas programs. Both really focused on Christ...his birth...the REAL reason everyone (whether you admit it or not) is celebrating.

Of course...there were some jingle bells and red noses thrown in there too. It is a party after all!

Foto Friday: Still Thankful

Deadlines, volunteering, housework, bills, overall exhaustion, and fear of the future...

In the midst of it all, my heart knows what really matters.

Foto Friday: The Best Gift Ever

So we have been celebrating a ton of birthdays in our family this past month. In a 2-week period, we had 5 birthdays: Jeff's, my brother-in-law's, Kendall's, my nephew's, and mine. And that's not even getting into extended family.

But I have to say that out of everyone, I got the best gift -- by far.

Every few weeks, Emma's wonderful preschool likes to have the kids put on little "performances" at the end of class for the parents. This past Friday, my birthday, was one of those "performance" days. Emma had been learning about family all week long, making family trees, talking about God's role in our families, and even making chocolate chip cookies for our little family. Her teacher kept telling us the kids had something extra special to give us on Friday. Better than chocolate chip cookies?!

Yes. Better than chocolate chip cookies.

When the parents walked into the room on Friday, we saw this:



Our precious little ones were wrapped up in wrapping paper they decorated. The gift tag read, "To My Family. From God."




Through my tears, I saw 10 sweet little faces, patiently waiting for their Mommy or Daddy to unwrap their special gift. I walked over to Emma and gratefully "opened" her. In the background, I could hear the teacher telling our children that they were made special by God for our family. Each one of them was precious and individual and handmade by God our Father. I hugged Emma tight and told her I loved her as many times as I could.





I thank God for my children more times than I can count, but in that moment, it was different. It was a physical reminder that this precious little person was something entrusted to me by God. His child in my arms. It took me 27 years to get that gift, and I am going to spend the rest of my life making sure I get to enjoy her -- and my other precious gift -- for eternity.

What a blessing. Two years ago, I spent my birthday in a hospital bed, thanking God that I was alive. This year, He reminded me why I am alive.

Thank you, God.